I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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