I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
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