it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
