Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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