Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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