I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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