look no pants
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
