He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
