they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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