Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
