I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
