I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
