Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
