My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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