Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
