You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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