I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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