What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
