you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Randomize
