yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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