It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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