Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
