Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
