I just cut my nipple shaving
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
