whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
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