my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
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