your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
