So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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