if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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