I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
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