I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
