The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
