im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
