Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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