Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
