come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
