Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
