Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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