You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
