My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize