I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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