I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
