The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
