The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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