My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Randomize
