I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize