remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
