im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
