do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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