Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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