After last night, I could never be a politician.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Randomize
