Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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