shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize