I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
