God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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