someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We left an ass print on the piano.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
