I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
