Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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